Clean Jokes For Any Occasion

If 2016 is the year you’re meeting her parents, its best to go armed with some clean jokes in case conversations turn dark. Depending on how open minded her family is, here are some clean jokes you should try:

1. “Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.”

If this part doesn’t get a laugh, pause for a second and say “She survived because the check bounced.”

2. “My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that but it’s also terrible.”

3. A Game Warden is walking along a beach one morning when he spots a man with a bucket of lobsters. The Warden walks up to the man, flashes his badge and says “You’re in big trouble, buddy. Poaching lobsters is a serious offense”. The man answers “You’ve got it all wrong, these lobsters are my pets! Every morning I take them out for some exercise. I let them swim around in the ocean for a few minutes and then whistle them back in.” The Warden looks at the man skeptically and says “Ok then, prove it.” The man proceeds to throw the lobsters into the ocean and both he and the Warden stand there waiting. After a couple minutes the Warden looks at the man and says “That’s long enough, now whistle your lobsters back in.” The man turns to the Warden and says “Lobsters? What lobsters?”

4. Milton Jones is known for his clean jokes, especially one liners:

“I’d like to see a world without plagiarism. You may say I’m a dreamer… but I’m not the only one…”

“My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does – she sells sea shells on the sea shore.”

“My grandfather was a peeping-tom. He lived in a flat and used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people below. He died recently, but I like to think of him up there… looking down on us…”

5. “A ship carrying blue paint and a ship carrying red paint both crashed on an island. All the sailors were marooned.”

6. “What’s ET short for? He’s got little legs.”

Pause before delivering the punch line for these clean jokes.

7. “I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.”

8. “My boss thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.”

9. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

10. “I just bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.”



About the author

Jade Huang

Jade is a content writer based in Malaysia under the award winning digital agency, Consider iProspect.

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